|based on a photo by PieCam|
WINTERIZING YOUR CASTLE (Part II)
by Bob Chalet for The Home Despot
Don’t neglect fencing either. This is the time for repairs to chain links, razor and barbed wire, and wooden slats. Even if your barriers are in great shape -- if you can spare the time and have the energy -- add more layers of fencing. Make those existing fences thicker and stronger, but anchor them into the ground so they don’t grow top-heavy and snap off under attack. Happened to some of our friends just this year. Sure, the fence looked great and they were the envy of the neighborhood, but when the push came, the fence fell and no amount of good looks could have stopped the buffet that followed.
How about exterior coatings? The jury is still out on just how they find us. Is it noise, or smell, or do they track motion and contrast. Last I heard the evidence supported all sides of each argument. In other words, the experts just don’t know -- big surprise there. So, my best advice is camouflage -- sit down, my neo-survivalist buddies out there! I’m not talking splotches of green and brown. I’m talking about blending into the surroundings whatever those may be. Paint and preserve that wooden exterior but match the native colors. If you’re in a burb where all the pastel siding is falling off, make sure you’re solid underneath and then slap some falling siding outside of that. Yes, it’s a ton of work, but it may really pay off. If not against the undead, then against those less scrupulous un-undead. Oh, and if you live in the boondocks, yes, you can go with the splotchy stuff. HD carries a nanylon sheeting made just for you. Seventeen convenient patterns that will match any environment you’d care to live in. This is what I use and my clan couldn’t be happier. I can’t tell you how many undesirables of all body temps that we’ve seen look right at us and then keep on going.
Friends, this week I’ve only clawed the surface of what you should be doing to fortify and winterize your home. But time is a luxury most of us do not have, so check out a complete list of projects at my website or buy my new book, Rise and Renovate! Order now and get my emergency egress pamphlets: Ziplines vs. Bridges and Better Tunnels: Better Chances absolutely free. All possible thanks to our friends at HD and life-saving folks -- whoever you may be –- who keep the internet humming along.
Next week, we’ll talk about how you can put some of those frozen walkers to good use as festive lawn ornaments with just a little paint and some well-placed tinsel. Nothing says "Christmas Never Dies" like a zombie Nativity or a group of undead elves loading Santa’s sleigh. Santa Claws is coming for you! Heck, dressed like that, they’re bound to bring a laugh or two after the thaw.
Our forefathers had it right. Your home is your castle. So, remember to make it the best damned castle you can with supplies from the Home Despot.
Until next time, insulate every nook and cranny, secure those doors and windows...and keep the hammering down, will ya? It’s enough to wake the dead.